Greenwitch

Its 4.30 in the morning, yesterday was a very strange but wonderful day and so as so often happens I find myself awake processing the information. But i awoke with a really strange sensation about an hour ago and then right next to me David said " Mom, I had a nightmare " I got a fright which means not much change of me going back to sleep, gone are the days when I slept through anything.

Jeremy is getting married today and after a long conversation with him the other night , I am truly happy for him and continue to learn from the situation.

I realised that I was not living in the moment and thats where the resistance came from to the change and so I slowly worked through my feelings and as always I am glad I did for I have learnt more about myself.

BUT there is still a part of me that no amout of logic will dispel the feeling of betrayal to Honor, suddenly she has gone from, "the only love of my life" to the first wife, her grave sight has gone from "sob sob sob I too shall be buried here with you my love" too "oh its fine we'll bury here mother with her when she eventually dies." and a part of me just goes grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

So I was telling myself live in the moment Angela , compassion compassion, love yourself enough to feel what you do but try and stay logical too blah blah blah, then yesterday morning, running to the post office, I bumped into my dear friend Elsa and she said when is J getting married and I said tomorrow and she said do you know it would have been Honors birthday on Monday and i say Yes and she started crying, there in the village, outside the post office, with all the emotions spilling out that I was feeling through the last week ! Yay ! I am normal !

reaching 30 for me was the realization that there is no reality to the fairy tales of straight forward families, reality is step fathers, stepbrothers and sister, children moving between two homes, divorce, being married more than once, loving someone for a while, sometimes dying alone, dying, getting old and the fact that cemetaries are part of the living but that it most likely won't be family that tend your grave sight.

Elsa and I went to the cemetary and put flowers on her grave, for her birthday, and to show our condolenses on the marriage of her beloved to another, as wives, who are both lucky enough to be married to our soulmates, we felt the need to acknowlege her.

While we where there a lady cleaning her brothers and mothers grave, ambled over and chatted to us about her loved ones and then another thin elderly lady came over and then a chubby younger lady came over and as 5 random women , we comforted each other , admired the beautiful cherry blossoms and then moved on......seperate lives but as women ,joined.

Elsa is in her seventies and she is my best friend for now, no seperation in age or experiance, no generation gap, thats a lie, its an excuse to not get along as our spirits are ageless, my daughter teaches me.

I love Elsa's mother and want to be like she was, she is dead and i never meet her, but through her daughters and granddaughters words I know her, a connection beyond time and reality.There is a grid of kindred women and we are all connected and when the soul cry is there, we connect.

Let the dead bury the dead is all very well but we all want to be loved and remembered, somepart of our memory , kept alive, plant me a tree and I shall live within it and when you are down i shall offer you comfort in its shade........love me enough to remember me.........does not come for free, you have to earn it, in the giving of happiness and unconditional love to neighbours, family , husband and children, not until they are ten, twenty or until you have had enough but until the day you die.

My mother in law always said your children don't belong to you they are there own and that it is wrong to hold on to someone. and she was right , her children never belonged to her, they never felt loved by her and as grown men, when drunk, still cry at the lack of love.Both are now angry young men, who maintain the further away we live from our parents the better, they are there own people.

My Mother and grandmother, always called me theirs, and when I am ill, in body or in spirit, I have the privelege of their comfort and their love, their prayers, and as it was, when i was a little girl the need for their love never shall change. You do not belong to the land , your house or anything else on this earth, the ONLY thing you have is the love of those around you and the feeling of belonging is what makes your life a joy.

I choose to hold on to women like this, my mother, grandmother, Elsa, my daughter and my sister and me and i choose to see that the reality is...... there are women who are less and I let them go, out of my reality,no longer to effect me, I am worthy of love. I am worthy of perfection ( like the cherry blossoms ) because its me that recognises it.

Its me that walks in the cemetary bare footed over the graves of the people who have moved on and me that sees that death is part of life, its me that sees life, I choose to iron and scrub and clean , support and comfort, i choose to love and paint and sing, I choose to adore my husband and children.

I choose to me a maid, wife, lover, mother, sister, daughter, granddaughter, friend, I am naturally all these things.

When Michelle is 60 and I am 80 I shall bake her a cake and sing happy bithday to her, and when my mother and grandmother, pass on to the summer land, i shall use every penny i can to buy flowers to celebrate their lives and i shall teach who ever shall listen their words, their life, their story.So that the grid continues.

I choose to love life with everything I have got for every moment that is given to me.

I am alive.